Our Cast

Lupe



Lupe was discovered on the mean streets of a Goodwill. Unravelled from a 100% cashmere sweater, she's tough but soft. Lupe currently resides in Dustbunny Meadows under a bed somewhere in New Jersey.



Shawnee



Lupe's twin sister. In addition to also being a recycled sweater, she's also an ex-2006 Knitting Olympian competing in the Lace Division as a Branching Out Scarf. Shawnee enjoys satin sheets, mustaches, and men in power.



Kermit the Frogged



Yet another recycled-sweater-come-yarn-porn actor. Kermit the Frogged was once enlisted in the Old Navy before becoming a ball of yarn. Kermit was more than happy to sign on for the latest Lupe and Shawnee yarno.



Albert Packa



Albert Packa hails from a knitted design gone wrong. It was only natural that he would turn to yarno acting to turn his life around.



Joeseph "Joe" Jersey



Formerly known as Wesley Moharieous III, Joe originally hails from Australia. He now makes his home in New Jersey. Like many Ballywood actors, he changed his name. He was inspired to immigrate to the US and join the yarn porn industry by his director cousin, Moe.

Our Story

When we last left Lupe and Shawnee, our coy little sexy balls of cashmere, they were working at Clancy's--a small neighborhood strip club in suburban New Jersey.

The girls enjoyed their lives for the most part. Dancing at the club paid the bills but didn't allow for much luxury.

They couldn't afford much furniture and slept in a hammock at night.



One day, at the club, they were approached by the man that got them into the professional exotic dancing industry--Frankie "Da Fuzz" Schmoehair.

"Frankie!" Lupe and Shawnee exclaimed when he entered the club.



"Lupe! Shawnee! How's life treatins youse girls?" he asked.

"Alright Frankie, I suppose," answered Lupe.

"What do youse mean, 'you suppose?'" prodded Frankie.

"Well to be honest Frankie darling, the dancing is great, we just don't make much money," said Shawnee jumping into the conversation.

"Yeah, we're living g-string to g-string," interjected Lupe.

"Hmm. I's gots a proposition for yas," replied Frankie.

Frankie explained that he knew of a gig in Washington D.C. that he thought the girls would be perfect for--working at a place called The Empress LYS.

Shawnee was excited and quickly agreed to travel to Washington D.C. with Frankie.

Lupe was not as excited. She was sick of men drooling over her curves and shoving ones down her panties.

She decided to get a normal job.

Soon she was pushing paper for the State of New Spork as a secretary.



While Lupe was settling into her desk job, Shawnee was introduced to Madame Maiden at the Empress LYS.

Madame Maiden's name was a bit deceptive. She was certainly far from a maiden and had a penchant for sailors.

But despite her misleading name, Madame Maiden took good care of her girls at the LYS and made sure the people coming in to fondle (and some perverts even got off smelling or rubbing the girls on their cheeks) her girls were good to them.

It was rumored that many of the girls at the Empress LYS were like Shawnee--somewhere out there they had a twin sister.

One day, the girls were assembled in the lobby. Madame Maiden had lined them up to meet a very important visitor. His name was Eliot Fuzzter. It was rumored he was some kind of important politictian.



Madame Maiden showed Eliot Fuzzter his girls one by one.

First was Spjork.



She was a handspun hailing from Icelandic wool.

Next up was Val.



She was a beautiful girl with a rosy complexion.

Next Madame showed him Picassa



Picassa was kind of an artsy girl that liked to paint pictures between clients.

Next there was Jeri.



Jeri was a spunky girl. She came from a white trash background, but cleaned up nicely.

Next was Ember.



Ember was a tough redhead from Arizona where it was rumored she was wanted by the police for arson.

Finally rounding out the girls that were like Shawnee--missing their twins--was Rainbow.



Rainbow was a free spirited girl born to hippy parents.

Next Madame Maiden showed Mr. Fuzzter Sunshine.



Sunshine was a delicate laceweight girl. On her one week off a year, she enjoyed relaxing in her denim jeans and just hanging out with the rest of the girls.

Next in line was Carni.



Carni had run away from the circus where she had performed as a contortionist. This made her a favorite among a special set of men that visited the Empress LYS.

After Carni, was Manuela.



Manuela was a Latina girl from Uruguay.

Next up was a pair of twins still together--Heather and Rose.



Madame Maiden explained to Eliot Fuzzter that despite the fact Heather and Rose looked like underage kids, they were truly over 18 and perfect legal.

Coming to the end of the line, Eliot Fuzzter's eyes locked with Shawnee's.

Shawnee at this point figured for sure a big powerful man would have taken a different more beautiful girl than her to his room.

"Madame, I think this is the girl I'd like to take back to my hotel room," said Eliot motioning towards Shawnee.

"Shawnee? Really? Well than Shawnee it is. You other girls get back to your rooms," ordered Madame Maiden as the other girls groaned and shot Shawnee looks of jealousy.

Shawnee, was shy and surprised that she was chosen by this powerful politician.

On the way to his hotel room Eliot asked Shawnee where she was from.

"I'm from New Jersey sir," she answered.

Eliot Fuzzter chuckled and replied that he had always had a thing for Jersey girls.

He asked her if she had ever seen much of Washington D.C.

Shawnee replied that she had not.

Eliot decided to show her a few sights before taking her back to his hotel room.

The visited the Lincoln Memorial.



And he took Shawnee to the National Gallery of Art where they pondered a quite hideously knit piece of "art."



"Wow, that's fugly," Shawnee murmured under her breath.

Finally the two ended up back in Eliot's hotel room where they quickly got down to business.



"Do you mind if I ask you to wear a condom?" asked Shawnee.

"Oh baby," said Eliot, visibly aroused by the sight of supple Shawnee in his bed, "I never use a condom."

The two quickly got busy felting.

However, they were so into each other that they didn't realize that Eliot Fuzzter's hotel room had been bugged.



The next day, word of the sex scandal hit the papers.

As a result, Shawnee's MySpace page got a million hits.



And Eliot Fuzzter had to resign as the Governor of the state of New Spork.

His Lieutenant Governor, David Patrick "Pat" Hersome was quickly sworn in.



But little did the public know that David Pat Hersome had a secretary that he liked to mess around with--unbeknowst to Mrs. David Pat Hersome.

As Always

Lupe and Shawnee's Adventures were filmed in front of a live studio audience.



Would you like to win the girls featured at The Empress LYS?

Click here for details on how you can get your name entered for the big year end drawing featuring the girls of The Empress LYS (and their long lost twins!). (Shawnee and Lupe not included!)

Our Cast

Lupe

Lupe was discovered on the mean streets of a Goodwill. Unravelled from a 100% cashmere sweater, she's tough but soft. Lupe currently resides in Dustbunny Meadows under a bed somewhere in New Jersey.

Shawnee

Lupe's twin sister. In addition to also being a recycled sweater, she's also an ex-2006 Knitting Olympian competing in the Lace Division as a Branching Out Scarf. Shawnee enjoys satin sheets and mustaches.

Kermit The Frogged

Yet another recycled-sweater-come-yarn-porn actor. Kermit the Frogged was once enlisted in the Old Navy before becoming a ball of yarn. Attaining great fame with his debut yarn porn acting in Lupe & Shawnee Do The Big City, Kermit glady signed on for another movie with the girls.

Ray Syckle

Appearing in his first ever yarn porn, Ray Syckle came to the yarn porn industry from a recycled sweater. Before he came to Ballywood, he dyed his fiber green and is now known for his trademark dye-job.

Joeseph "Joe" Jersey

Formerly known as Wesley Moharieous III, Joe originally hails from Australia. He now makes his home in New Jersey. Like many Ballywood actors, he changed his name. He was inspired to immigrate to the US and join the yarn porn industry by his director cousin, Moe.

Владимир Пряжа

Vladimir appeared in many Russian language yarnos and attained great success with the back-alley release of War and Fleece.

Our Story

After narrowly escaping a horrific death involving a giant pig, Lupe and Shawnee decided it was time for a change of scenery.

After watching Brokeback Mountain and being inspired by a large vast land where two men can get it on and still raise sheep, they decided to uproot their pig farm and move to Wyoming.

Sadly the girls took a wrong turn in Des Moines and ended up in San Antonio, Texas.

"I can't help it! The numbers 80 and 35 confuse me!" Shawnee exclaimed a week after they landed in Texas when they realized that they weren't in Wyoming.

Aside from the more prevailing conservative thoughts about two men not quittin' each other and raising sheep for a living, the girls enjoyed Texas.

One day as Lupe was outside feeding her pigs, she heard a galloping.



"Why hello there cowboy, what's your name?" Lupe asked the dashing cowboy on the maple colored mare.

"They call me Kowboy Kermit round these parts m'am, answered Kowboy Kermit.

"I reckon yer knew in this here town?" he asked.

"Why yes, I am," replied Lupe. "My sister and I just moved down here from up north."

"I'm fixin' to head up to my ranch. Seeing as you and yer sister are new in these here parts would you like me to show you this here greatest of all states?" asked Kowboy Kermit shyly.

He was obviously enamored with Lupe's radiant beauty and Yankee way of talking.

"Oh my, why I'd love to, Kowboy Kermit. Let me call my sister," replied Lupe.

"SHAWNEE! GIT YER SORRY BUTT OUT HERE!" screamed Lupe.

Kowboy Kermit took no notice of her un-Yankee like scream for her sister as he was mesmerized by the fine halo of cashmere fuzz that engulfed Lupe's ample curves.

Shawnee came rolling out of the house.

"Alright, alright, hold your horses Lupe, geeze..."

Shawnee paused, "Why, who's this?"

"This is Kowboy Kermit. He wants to show us around his ranch," answered Shawnee.

Kowboy Kermit's eyes grew big at the sight of Shawnee. Not only was he living next to one gorgeous ball of cashmere yarn, but two balls!

"Mmm, nice mustache. I wouldn't mind going for a ride on you, um, I mean with you!" Shawnee told Kowboy Kermit quickly correcting herself.

So the girls mounted Kowboy Kermit's horse, with Shawnee wedging herself between Lupe and Kowboy Kermit.



As they galloped towards Kowboy Kermit's ranch, Lupe asked, "What exactly do you ranch Kermit?"

"I ranch alpacas," he answered.

"Alpacas? What the hell is an alpaca?" asked Shawnee.

"You'll see in just a second," replied Kowboy Kermit.

Before Shawnee could mention in a whisper how sexy Kowboy Kermit's mustache was to Lupe, they arrived at his ranch.



"Here we are!" exclaimed Kowboy Kermit, helping the girls off the horse.

"Oh my god!" shouted Shawnee. "Is that a baby alpaca?"



"Shur is m'am," beamed Kowboy Kermit proudly. Baby animals always made chicks melt.

"Lupe, isn't it adorable?" cooed Shawnee.

"That baby is cute, but I think this one is my favorite," answered Lupe.



"That brown one you like is primarily raised for its hair. They spin it up into yarn if you can believe that," explained Kowboy Kermit.

"Wow!" exclaimed Lupe looking dreamily into the eyes of the caramel brown alpaca.

Kowboy Kermit knew the girls were melting like soft merino roving in his hands.

"Um, I reckon I might ask you girls something personal?" he asked.

"What would that be?" answered Lupe.

"Would you girls be up for a round of passionate tangling right here on the open Texas range?"

"Sure!" replied Shawnee, never one to miss an opportunity to rub fibers with a man with a mustache.

Lupe shrugged and jumped under the cowboy bandana Kowboy Kermit spread out for them to make felt on.



Halfway into their felt-making, they heard a noise. It sounded like a loud machine, but with a siren.

"What the hell is that?" asked Lupe poking her head up over the bandana.

On the horizon she saw someone on a tractor.

"Aw shoot!" yelled Kowboy Kermit, "It's the cops!"



"On a tractor?" asked Shawnee.

"You forget this is Texas little lady. We don't need them fancy po-leece cars in this part of the country!" answered Kowboy Kermit.

"Good afternoon ladies, sir. I'm Office Robin Dewryght," said the cop as he dismounted from his tractor. "You realize you're breaking the law here right?"

"What law would that be officer?" asked Lupe as sweetly as she could.

"The law that states no two female balls of yarn will engage in tangling with a cowboy on the open range between the hours of 3:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.," he replied.

Shawnee looked down at her watch. "Crap!" she muttered.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you ladies under arrest," stated Officer Dewryght.



Down at the station Office Dewryght left the girls cuffed and alone to fill out their booking paperwork.



"Hey, Lupe," hissed Shawnee under her breath. "Check out those sexy guys over there!"

Over in a corner of the station were a couple of guys leaning against the wall and looking guilty.



"Check out the sexy gold chain on that tall one!" said Shawnee.



"Nah, I dig the hairy chest peeking out behind the other guy's label!" replied Lupe.



"Hey, boys!" Shawnee called out. "What are your names?"



"I'm Frankie "Da Fuzz" Schmoehair, and dis is my pal, Viktor Del Russo. He don't speak much English--he's from Russia." replied the shorter, hairy ball of yarn.

"Zdravstvuite," said Viktor to the girls.

"Ah yeah, hola Viktor," answered Shawnee. "So what are you guys in for?"

"Eh, da coppers brought us in on accounts of us trying to send a guy to sleep with da fishes in dah Rio Grande. But what they didn't understands is dat the guy was made of that SeaCell yarn, we was just trying to send him homes is all," answered Frankie. "What are youse guys in for?"

Lupe blushed and and answered "Making felt with a cowboy out in the open between the hours of 3:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m."

Frankie laughed and Viktor smiled and they exchanged a knowing glance.

"If youse girls are interested, wes mights be able to hook yas up with a job when you're outta the joint here," said Frankie. "Of course it ain't heres in Texas. It's up north in Jersey with a friend of mines named Clancy."

Lupe and Shawnee looked at each other.

They had already uprooted their lives once to move to Texas. What was another cross-country move to them?

"Why not?" said Lupe.

****************************************************************************
When next we meet Lupe and Shawnee, in a quiet neighborhood bar...

Will they be doing what we think they'll be doing?

Stay tuned for April 1, 2008!

As Always

As always, Lupe & Shawnee's Big Adventures were taped in front of a live studio audience:

Our Cast

Back by popular demand, resurrected from the depths of cyberspace by Turtlegirl I give you Lupe and Shawnee Do The Big City!

Introducing our stars:

Lupe

Lupe was discovered on the mean streets of a Goodwill. Unravelled from a 100% cashmere sweater, she's tough but soft.

Shawnee

Lupe's twin sister. In addition to also being a recycled sweater, she's also an ex-Knitting Olympian competing in the Lace Division as a Branching Out Scarf.

Kermit The Frogged

Yet another recycled-sweater-come-yarn-porn actor. Kermit the Frogged was once enlisted in the Old Navy before becoming a ball of yarn.

Scarlet Hart

A busty nurse. She's all curves.

And finally, our Director:

Moe

Fed up with the small town life of living on the back of a goat, Moe set his sights on the glitzy world of a yarn store. After being purchased and rejected for being too furry, he turned his focus to directing yarn porn.

Our Story

************************************************************************************

Once upon a time, there lived two balls of yarn named Lupe and Shawnee. They lived on a farm raising their pigs, Penelope and Porcina, for show.



They spent many of their days frolicking in the green grass under terrycloth skies.

One day Penelope and Porcina grew large enough to be shown, and the girls decided to head to the Big City to attend the Tri-County Pig Show.

Once in the city, they were overwhelmed by the looming buildings as they walked down the street.



As they reached the police station, Shawnee said to Lupe,

"Lupe, the Pig Arena is just across the street. Why don't we just cross here?"

"And jaywalk? Are you frayed? We could get hurt!" exclaimed Lupe.

"Aw, don't be such a square Lupe!" replied Shawnee.

"I'm not a square! I'm a ball!" pouted Lupe, "and besides, Momma always said to cross at the corner."

But before either of them could argue any further, Penelope darted out into the road.



"Penelope! Watch out for the car!" shrieked Lupe.

But it was too late, a speeding police car smashed into Penelope.



The police car pulled over, and out of it stepped a handsome policeman sporting a dashing mustache.



"Oh my god! I didn't see her! I'm so sorry!" gasped the officer.

"You have to help her!" cried Lupe.

The Officer offered to drive the girls and Penelope to the nearest animal hospital.

On the way to the hospital, Shawnee nudged Lupe.

"So hey, what do you think of this officer?" asked Shawnee, "he's kinda cute with that sexy mustache," she continued, making no effort to lower her voice.

"My pig has been hit by a car and all you can think about is a sexy policeman with a mustache?!" Lupe replied.

The officer had heard the girls talking about him and he looked at them in his rearview mirror, trying to hide the smile that was dancing on his lips under his thick, black, sexy mustache.

Once at the animal hospital, they were greeted by a buxom nurse.



She introduced herself as nurse Scarlet Hart.

Lupe and Shawnee suspected that she was had acrylic implants. No woman that curvy could be non-acrylic.



Nurse Hart quickly examined Penelope.

"Will she be alright?" asked Lupe, the worry creeping into her voice.

"She'll be fine," said Nurse Hart. "She's only pulled a hammie, but I'd like to keep her overnight."

"Oh thank goodness!" sighed Lupe with relief.

"I'm glad to hear that," the officer who had hit Penelope said.
"Ladies, I don't think I ever properly introduced myself. I'm Officer Kermit of Big City PD."

"Pleasure to meet you Officer Kermit," answered Shawnee coyly.

"Ladies, seeing as I've created this mess, let me make it up to you and buy you dinner."

"Ah, um, I don't know," stammered Lupe.

"Oh Lupe, quit being such a square! Of course we'll go with you Officer Kermit!" interjected Shawnee.

"But Shawnee, Momma always said not to go to dinner with strange men with sexy mustaches in Big City!" protested Lupe, "And I'm not a square! I'm a ball!"

"We'll gladly go with you Officer," answered Shawnee before Lupe could protest anymore.



At the Gilded Skein, the girls had a delicious dinner and drinks with Officer Kermit. Lupe even let her guard down enough to toss back more than yarntinis than she should have.

After dinner, Officer Kermit extended another invitation.

"Would you girls be interested in coming back to my place? We could stay up late, and tell yarns perhaps?"

As they were a little tipsy, the girls agreed with no protesting from Lupe this time.

When they arrived at Officer Kermit's, he closed the door behind them and made a confession.

"Girls, I'll be honest with you, I just brought you home to have ply with."

The girls giggled at the word "ply" as they were just tipsy country girls after all.

"Are you in?" he asked.

The girls nodded and he led them to his bedroom.



"Are those satin sheets!?" Shawnee squealed excitedly.

Officer Kermit nodded. "You girls ever do a three-ply before?"

The question knocked Lupe to her senses.

"Wait!" she exclaimed, "Momma always said if you are going to go home with a strange man with a sexy mustache in Big City, you should always have protection!"

"Square!" Shawnee muttered under her breath.

"Do you have protection Officer Kermit?" finished Lupe.

"Of course baby, I've got special protection for the two of you," he replied producing a condom.



That did it for the girls. With wild abandon, they jumped into bed with Officer Kermit.



In the middle of the three-way plying, hot and heavy yarn petting, and tangling, the ground began to rumble.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a giant pig crashed into the apartment and onto the balls of yarn that were performing lewd acts upon one another.



It was Penelope's mother, who was now working as a spokesmodel for Oscar Mayer! She had heard what had happened to her daughter and came to seek revenge on the man who had caused her daughter's injury.



It's a porno for crying out loud. Have you ever watched a porno that made sense?

*************************************************************************************


Lupe and Shawnee Do The Big City was taped before a live studio audience.

The Critics Are Raving

About Lupe and Shawnee Do the Big City!

"I laughed, I cried, I went home and slept naked in a sweater." --Roger Eburp

"Mustaches are sexy." --Jon Reremy

"I am not a square!" --Lupe

"Mom, what are those balls of yarn doing next to my toys?" --Chunky