After narrowly escaping a horrific death involving a giant pig, Lupe and Shawnee decided it was time for a change of scenery.
After watching Brokeback Mountain
and being inspired by a large vast land where two men can get it on and still raise sheep, they decided to uproot their pig farm and move to Wyoming.
Sadly the girls took a wrong turn in Des Moines and ended up in San Antonio, Texas.
"I can't help it! The numbers 80 and 35 confuse me!" Shawnee exclaimed a week after they landed in Texas when they realized that they weren't in Wyoming.
Aside from the more prevailing conservative thoughts about two men not quittin' each other and raising sheep for a living, the girls enjoyed Texas.
One day as Lupe was outside feeding her pigs, she heard a galloping.
"Why hello there cowboy, what's your name?" Lupe asked the dashing cowboy on the maple colored mare.
"They call me Kowboy Kermit round these parts m'am, answered Kowboy Kermit.
"I reckon yer knew in this here town?" he asked.
"Why yes, I am," replied Lupe. "My sister and I just moved down here from up north."
"I'm fixin' to head up to my ranch. Seeing as you and yer sister are new in these here parts would you like me to show you this here greatest of all states?" asked Kowboy Kermit shyly.
He was obviously enamored with Lupe's radiant beauty and Yankee way of talking.
"Oh my, why I'd love to, Kowboy Kermit. Let me call my sister," replied Lupe.
"SHAWNEE! GIT YER SORRY BUTT OUT HERE!" screamed Lupe.
Kowboy Kermit took no notice of her un-Yankee like scream for her sister as he was mesmerized by the fine halo of cashmere fuzz that engulfed Lupe's ample curves.
Shawnee came rolling out of the house.
"Alright, alright, hold your horses Lupe, geeze..."
Shawnee paused, "Why, who's this?"
"This is Kowboy Kermit. He wants to show us around his ranch," answered Shawnee.
Kowboy Kermit's eyes grew big at the sight of Shawnee. Not only was he living next to one gorgeous ball of cashmere yarn, but two balls!
"Mmm, nice mustache. I wouldn't mind going for a ride on you, um, I mean with you!" Shawnee told Kowboy Kermit quickly correcting herself.
So the girls mounted Kowboy Kermit's horse, with Shawnee wedging herself between Lupe and Kowboy Kermit.
As they galloped towards Kowboy Kermit's ranch, Lupe asked, "What exactly do you ranch Kermit?"
"I ranch alpacas," he answered.
"Alpacas? What the hell is an alpaca?" asked Shawnee.
"You'll see in just a second," replied Kowboy Kermit.
Before Shawnee could mention in a whisper how sexy Kowboy Kermit's mustache was to Lupe, they arrived at his ranch.
"Here we are!" exclaimed Kowboy Kermit, helping the girls off the horse.
"Oh my god!" shouted Shawnee. "Is that a baby
"Shur is m'am," beamed Kowboy Kermit proudly. Baby animals always made chicks melt.
"Lupe, isn't it adorable?" cooed Shawnee.
"That baby is cute, but I think this one is my favorite," answered Lupe.
"That brown one you like is primarily raised for its hair. They spin it up into yarn if you can believe that," explained Kowboy Kermit.
"Wow!" exclaimed Lupe looking dreamily into the eyes of the caramel brown alpaca.
Kowboy Kermit knew the girls were melting like soft merino roving in his hands.
"Um, I reckon I might ask you girls something personal?" he asked.
"What would that be?" answered Lupe.
"Would you girls be up for a round of passionate tangling right here on the open Texas range?"
"Sure!" replied Shawnee, never one to miss an opportunity to rub fibers with a man with a mustache.
Lupe shrugged and jumped under the cowboy bandana Kowboy Kermit spread out for them to make felt on.
Halfway into their felt-making, they heard a noise. It sounded like a loud machine, but with a siren.
"What the hell is that?" asked Lupe poking her head up over the bandana.
On the horizon she saw someone on a tractor.
"Aw shoot!" yelled Kowboy Kermit, "It's the cops!"
"On a tractor?" asked Shawnee.
"You forget this is Texas little lady. We don't need them fancy po-leece cars in this part of the country!" answered Kowboy Kermit.
"Good afternoon ladies, sir. I'm Office Robin Dewryght," said the cop as he dismounted from his tractor. "You realize you're breaking the law here right?"
"What law would that be officer?" asked Lupe as sweetly as she could.
"The law that states no two female balls of yarn will engage in tangling with a cowboy on the open range between the hours of 3:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.," he replied.
Shawnee looked down at her watch. "Crap!" she muttered.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you ladies under arrest," stated Officer Dewryght.
Down at the station Office Dewryght left the girls cuffed and alone to fill out their booking paperwork.
"Hey, Lupe," hissed Shawnee under her breath. "Check out those sexy guys over there!"
Over in a corner of the station were a couple of guys leaning against the wall and looking guilty.
"Check out the sexy gold chain on that tall one!" said Shawnee.
"Nah, I dig the hairy chest peeking out behind the other guy's label!" replied Lupe.
"Hey, boys!" Shawnee called out. "What are your names?"
"I'm Frankie "Da Fuzz" Schmoehair, and dis is my pal, Viktor Del Russo. He don't speak much English--he's from Russia." replied the shorter, hairy ball of yarn.
"Zdravstvuite," said Viktor to the girls.
"Ah yeah, hola Viktor," answered Shawnee. "So what are you guys in for?"
"Eh, da coppers brought us in on accounts of us trying to send a guy to sleep with da fishes in dah Rio Grande. But what they didn't understands is dat the guy was made of that SeaCell yarn, we was just trying to send him homes is all," answered Frankie. "What are youse guys in for?"
Lupe blushed and and answered "Making felt with a cowboy out in the open between the hours of 3:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m."
Frankie laughed and Viktor smiled and they exchanged a knowing glance.
"If youse girls are interested, wes mights be able to hook yas up with a job when you're outta the joint here," said Frankie. "Of course it ain't heres in Texas. It's up north in Jersey with a friend of mines named Clancy."
Lupe and Shawnee looked at each other.
They had already uprooted their lives once to move to Texas. What was another cross-country move to them?
"Why not?" said Lupe.
****************************************************************************When next we meet Lupe and Shawnee, in a quiet neighborhood bar...
Will they be doing what we think they'll be doing?
Stay tuned for April 1, 2008!